Grab a cup of hot tea and your fuzziest blanket, because we’re spilling some tea.
(Disclaimer: We’re spilling the internet phrase “tea”, not literal tea. Do not spill that. I am a big tea fan and I hope you enjoy every sip of your tea.)
I want to make “Tea with Eliz” a little segment on my blog, where I can just ramble about anything and everything. Think of it as conversations you’d have with your sister! When I usually write blog posts, I have a goal or purpose I want to achieve and typically only follow one topic. But with these “Tea with Eliz” posts I want to give updates on my personal life, discuss various topics, and not feel like I have to follow a strict, organized outline. So, expect this to be a regular segment for heyitseliz.com! (Also, expect most “Tea with Eliz” posts to be a lot less heavy than this one LOL. This post is going to be a somewhat sad, but hopefully heartwarming one!)
Also, if you’re wondering why I may be “oversharing” my life to the internet and rambling about the many things in my life which one usually stays private about, I’d like you to take a step back and understand that writing is the one thing that I genuinely feel like I always have control over. This “oversharing” thing helps me come to terms with my thoughts, comprehend my feelings, and ultimately move forward when I feel like everything is hectic or crumbling around me. Writing is literally my form of therapy.
As I writer, all I ever want to do is write pieces that help others and make them feel something. If I know that just one person feels touched or seen, from the words I share, then my job is done! For me personally, when I’m feeling down or going through something, reading others’ writing or hearing their stories always helps me feel recharged and inspired.
So, let’s get to the tea…
I think we all know, from my somewhat cryptic Instagram stories of poems and quotes, that I kind of got my heart broken. I’m not going to go into the details of what happened between me and the other person, but I am going to talk about how I changed my state of mind and chat about some things that really helped me!
Breakups, as we all know, are hard. But for someone who had never experienced a serious breakup before, the first few weeks of dealing with it, I genuinely felt like the world was ending.
I kept crying out of nowhere. I lost my appetite. I couldn’t listen to music or focus in class or even get myself out the door to socialize with people. I was also in complete denial for a while that any of this was even happening. For weeks, I had honestly no clue what to do with myself. And no matter how many times someone would tell me “It will get better” or “Time will heal this,” I could not bring myself to believe them.
After a while of truly sitting in this awful feeling, something clicked inside my head. I started to see this “light” everyone was telling me about, at the end of the very dark and deep tunnel I had dug myself into. I’m not entirely sure how this happened or what I did to make this happen (and maybe I did nothing? Maybe time actually did work its magic and turn on its proclaimed healing powers), but I finally started to see as cliche as it sounds, the beauty in heartbreak, and to quote Beyonce’s “Best Thing I Never Had”, I actually found “the good in goodbye”.
My sleepless nights turned into very productive mornings. I got back into waking up early, having a set routine and doing everything on my own terms, something I lost when I was consumed by a relationship.
I started forcing myself to go outside and take walks, most of the time without any music, just to clear my mind from any bottled up frustrations. I was starting to feel and believe that I will be okay.
But then this happened.
A few weeks ago, when I couldn’t bear to be in my lonely apartment by myself anymore, I took a trip to Barnes & Noble, hoping to feel better if I was in a store I love. I went directly to the poetry section, grabbed a stack of books, and hid in the corner of the children’s section, where they have tiny benches for kids to sit and read. With a pile of melodramatic poetry books sitting in front of me, I read them all, furiously flipping through the pages and out of nowhere, started crying.
I can guarantee that anyone who happened to walk past me, probably thought I was some heartbroken girl being a total drama queen. Thinking back on it now, I can only relate it to a montage scene from a romantic comedy, where I am the heartbroken, newly dumped protagonist crying while an unfortunate upbeat song plays in the background for comedic effect.
But the crazy thing about this breakdown, was that I wasn’t crying because I was sad or missing him. I was crying because it was finally sinking in that what we had and what we were, doesn’t exist anymore. That no matter what either of us do, we aren’t a fit anymore and it has to be left in the past. What we shared together was special, but we (present tense us), don’t belong together anymore.
In that moment, I realized exactly what I needed to do – I needed to release everything (i.e. him and whatever feelings I felt towards him) and channel all of that love and energy I once had for him, as painfully cheesy as it sounds, into myself.
From that moment on, I became extremely aware of everything around me and every feeling I felt. I took note of the times I felt empty and hollow. I didn’t stop myself if I needed to take a break from what I was doing to just breathe and be sad. I let myself feel however I was feeling. Allowing myself to get out every emotion and not resist it, was really important for my healing. Doing so was the only way I could move forward.
I started journaling again and talking to people, strangers even, about what I was feeling. Opening up actually made me feel less alone.
But more importantly, to this day, I am still finding ways to fill my “empty space” with things that bring me joy. I attended a poetry workshop and felt inspired to write again, something I hadn’t done in almost a year. I’m talking to new people, busying myself with school and writing, and saying yes to more things.
But don’t get me wrong, I still have these waves and moments where I feel a little uncomfortable, or like something is missing; It just isn’t in control of me anymore.
There are times when something trips me up, where I get a little reminder of what used to be such a big part of my life. When that happens, I take a deep breath and remind myself that I’m past that time in my life. I remind myself that the version of us that I keep thinking about or missing, no longer exists in the present, and that I don’t have any space to carry it with me anymore.
I’m releasing it and choosing to move on.
Through all of this, I’ve learned that when we break, we’re forced to really take a moment to look at ourselves and make changes. It’s up to us to figure out what to do with the pieces and find ways to pull ourselves back together.
It’s perfectly normal to feel sad or angry after something ends, but you won’t stay that way forever. You will get through it, and I know that sounds easier said than done. Believe me, I would literally roll my eyes at anyone who tried to offer me any advice. But it’s true.
We break, but when (and only when) we’re ready, we move on and create even better versions of ourselves. ♡
Also, if you happen to be going through something similar, check out this “Starter Pack for the Broken Hearted” made by YouTuber Amy Lee! I found it very helpful 🙂
I hope you enjoyed this little story time type of post and stay tuned for more “Tea with Eliz” segments! If you have a topic in mind you’d like me to write about, shoot me a dm on instagram! @heyitseliz